Thursday, December 17, 2015

new and improved

Things happen in life that are traumatic, unfair, and unexplainable. At those very moments, it's as if you might crumble into a million pieces, due to the worst horror ever felt by your body--mine was watching my son die. There are almost no words that adequately describe this tormenting pain buried deep with in the center of your soul. You feel as if you are a few breaths away from death yourself. Like you are going to collapse from the shear devastation and whole body shock. The coldness and heart shredding torture is yours to carry.

you are numb.
numb to the pain you are experiencing through out your entire body.
weak to the point of spiritual  and physical starvation.
fearful of death, life and beyond.

You must learn to breathe again.
often you find yourself barely breathing.
you catch your breath late at night.
sometimes it never really fully enters the body.
you must fight to find the key to life.

Unable to take a step forward.
stuck in the blur of passing onto death.
stuck in that exact moment of time, forever changing your world.
Not wanting to accept that time and space, hoping it will not be written in stone if you stay there long enough.

You are changed.
never again to be that same person.
never ever the same.
forever molding into something more courageous and beautiful than ever before.

and this is my hope.


Yoga teacher training has been a giant stepping stone in my grieving process. It has opened up doors I didn't know were closed, or had ever even seen before. I have looked deep inside myself in order to see my son who has passed on from this life. Yoga and the mediation part have really opened up my channel to heaven and helped me connect with my higher self, my more spiritual self. My sweet son is existing at this level and in order to even be in his presence or feel of him, I believe I too have to try and exist at this level. Of course I am not anywhere near this light, but I sure am heading in the right direction and open to this possibility. Our eyes are a bit closed in life due to inexperience and the unknown. Once we have stepped a foot in this direction, so many things become open to us. It is us who makes the first move and has the desire.

Side note: I have never considered reincarnation. ever. until recently reading in holy scriptures, in Moroni where he says his last words, 'I soon go to rest in paradise of my God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite'. This made me start thinking, why are some souls here on this earth so wise, so knowledgeable, so much further along in their journey than others? I sort of believe that we may have possibly been here before and that's why some are born far more advanced and seem to be so intellectual and at a different level spiritually. I don't think the word is reincarnation but, that's the most similar word to describe what I am talking about. I do possibly believe we may have had several or get several chances to get it right....who knows? Not me. But I do know I am seeking to find this light, this heavenly peace, this beauty. I seek God. I seek my son. and I seek healing.


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